Shalom God,
I have baggage. I'm shlepping around feelings, emotions, pains, struggles and anger that I don't need or want. Here I am - in a new home, ready to begin a new year - with a healthy family, a wonderful community, fantastic opportunities for learning and growing and I'm still burdened with my baggage.
Please God, give me the strength to shed my fear. Give me the vision to look with new eyes. Give me the patience to unpack my stuff so my burden lightens. Help me see each person as a blessing and a teacher. Remind me that You are the only judge and that I should step off the bench.
I'm tired of being weighted down God - if You could carry some of my baggage - I would appreciate it.
Thanks for listening,
David
Monday, August 29, 2011
Monday, July 25, 2011
An Empty Room
Shalom God,
There has been an empty room in my house lately. Three out of the last seven nights, my eldest daughter has slept out of the house. This isn't new. In fact, she was away for a full month a couple of years ago at summer camp but since then she has been home every night...until recently.
Last night I walked by her empty room and suddenly felt that emptiness jump into my gut. The last time I remember that emptiness was on Castaway Cay - Disney's Island in the Caribbean. It was just after Liat had died and we went on a family vacation to try and find some joy - I guess. Dalia was off playing with the other kids at the Disney Kids' Club on the Island. I was hiding behind a tree watching her, making sure she was okay (read as: making sure I was okay.)
There has been an empty room in my house lately. Three out of the last seven nights, my eldest daughter has slept out of the house. This isn't new. In fact, she was away for a full month a couple of years ago at summer camp but since then she has been home every night...until recently.
Last night I walked by her empty room and suddenly felt that emptiness jump into my gut. The last time I remember that emptiness was on Castaway Cay - Disney's Island in the Caribbean. It was just after Liat had died and we went on a family vacation to try and find some joy - I guess. Dalia was off playing with the other kids at the Disney Kids' Club on the Island. I was hiding behind a tree watching her, making sure she was okay (read as: making sure I was okay.)
I felt that emptiness then and I felt it again last night. It's not a bad emptiness - its just an...empty emptiness. I want, desperately, to fill it but know that it cannot be filled. My little girls have to grow up and I have to accept empty rooms from time to time.
You have taught me that everything that is good and sacred is mine only for a short while. And I know that I should be thankful for all that I have - at this moment, right now. I do yearn, though, for just a little more time with a full house - with all of my girls in their rooms. If I could hold onto that just for...forever.
David
Monday, July 18, 2011
Meourning
Shalom God,
Yesterday we had to tell our girls that one of our cats had most likely died. We don't know for sure but we haven't seen him in more than a week and she was sick. We imagine that he left to find a place to die.
You know, hope is a wonderful thing but it can also be painful. My eldest held out hope until late at night that we would find our furry friend (Coko.) Having to convince her to let go of that hope was painful for us. We never want her to lose hope - faith. But sometimes you do have to let go.
Especially for my eldest, letting go is hard. I don't think she every really let go of her sister Liat when she died. Sometimes I think that all of the struggles to let go that she faces in her young life are just a continuation of that first letting go. Or maybe that's me I'm talking about.
In any case, Coko, we miss you. You were a really good friend. Maya, your sister, misses you too. God, if You care for the souls of animals as You do the souls of humans, please look after Coko. Please stroke his fur for us and give him kisses. He brought love into our home and for that we are thankful.
Baruch Dayan Emet
David
Yesterday we had to tell our girls that one of our cats had most likely died. We don't know for sure but we haven't seen him in more than a week and she was sick. We imagine that he left to find a place to die.
You know, hope is a wonderful thing but it can also be painful. My eldest held out hope until late at night that we would find our furry friend (Coko.) Having to convince her to let go of that hope was painful for us. We never want her to lose hope - faith. But sometimes you do have to let go.
Especially for my eldest, letting go is hard. I don't think she every really let go of her sister Liat when she died. Sometimes I think that all of the struggles to let go that she faces in her young life are just a continuation of that first letting go. Or maybe that's me I'm talking about.
In any case, Coko, we miss you. You were a really good friend. Maya, your sister, misses you too. God, if You care for the souls of animals as You do the souls of humans, please look after Coko. Please stroke his fur for us and give him kisses. He brought love into our home and for that we are thankful.
Baruch Dayan Emet
David
Monday, July 11, 2011
It's Not About the Money...
Shalom God,
You know (because You know everything) that I'm not good with money. I don't go out and spend on frivolous things (well, not often); I don't take expensive vacations and I don't have fancy cars. If I am guilty of anything - I imagine it's spoiling my kids. I am indeed guilty of spending too much money on my children. Other than that I try and remember the difference between "need" and "want."
That doesn't mean I haven't made mistakes - oh, I've made plenty of financial mistakes and I will be paying for them for quite a while.
You know what I wish - I wish that I never had to worry about money again - not because I have things I want to buy or places I want to go - but because I have causes I want to support and people I want to help. I have found one of the most frustrating things is knowing that there are real needs in the world that I can't support because of my own financial situation.
In my own life I hold on tightly to Your teaching - "Who is rich? One who is happy with his/her portion." And I believe that I am one of the wealthiest people alive (by Your standards.) The problem is I live in a world that runs according to a different standard - one that values paper currency more than spiritual currency.
I guess what I'm trying to say is - thank You for the riches You have bestowed upon me. Should you find a few extra coins in between the cushions of your couch I would be honored to take those off your hands. I know a few causes that could use those coins.
David
You know (because You know everything) that I'm not good with money. I don't go out and spend on frivolous things (well, not often); I don't take expensive vacations and I don't have fancy cars. If I am guilty of anything - I imagine it's spoiling my kids. I am indeed guilty of spending too much money on my children. Other than that I try and remember the difference between "need" and "want."
That doesn't mean I haven't made mistakes - oh, I've made plenty of financial mistakes and I will be paying for them for quite a while.
You know what I wish - I wish that I never had to worry about money again - not because I have things I want to buy or places I want to go - but because I have causes I want to support and people I want to help. I have found one of the most frustrating things is knowing that there are real needs in the world that I can't support because of my own financial situation.
In my own life I hold on tightly to Your teaching - "Who is rich? One who is happy with his/her portion." And I believe that I am one of the wealthiest people alive (by Your standards.) The problem is I live in a world that runs according to a different standard - one that values paper currency more than spiritual currency.
I guess what I'm trying to say is - thank You for the riches You have bestowed upon me. Should you find a few extra coins in between the cushions of your couch I would be honored to take those off your hands. I know a few causes that could use those coins.
David
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Grow Up
Shalom God,
Explain something to me - how is it that my children are growing up but I'm not? I'm not denying my age - I'm not afraid of getting old - I just don't think of myself as an...adult. And I certainly don't think of myself as responsible enough to have three children, one of whom is a teenager!
Don't get me wrong I think I'm a fit father - I just think You have more faith in me than I have in myself. As I look back on the first 13 years of my parenting I see so many mistakes - so many missed opportunities. I wonder if You've ever looked back on Your "early years" of "parenting" us and thought to Yourself, "WOW did I screw that one up."
Sometimes I read the stories of Your interactions with my ancestors and I imagine a little regret in hindsight. There were a few things that I would have done differently than You. But then again, I'm positive that as You've watched me parent You've said to Yourself, "Oy David, what are you doing?"
All I can say, God, is, "I'm trying" and "I'm growing up." For every year that my children grow I gain not only more grey hair but also tremendous knowledge and insight about myself, the parent and the person I want to be.
I am so thankful to You, God, for the example You've shown in how to raise, and sometimes, how not to raise children. I appreciate the times that You've allowed us to see Your successes and, even more so, your mistakes. I pray that You and my children, continue to have patience with me as I become the parent You know I can be.
Thank You for Your patience and for helping me to grow up.
David
Explain something to me - how is it that my children are growing up but I'm not? I'm not denying my age - I'm not afraid of getting old - I just don't think of myself as an...adult. And I certainly don't think of myself as responsible enough to have three children, one of whom is a teenager!
Don't get me wrong I think I'm a fit father - I just think You have more faith in me than I have in myself. As I look back on the first 13 years of my parenting I see so many mistakes - so many missed opportunities. I wonder if You've ever looked back on Your "early years" of "parenting" us and thought to Yourself, "WOW did I screw that one up."
Sometimes I read the stories of Your interactions with my ancestors and I imagine a little regret in hindsight. There were a few things that I would have done differently than You. But then again, I'm positive that as You've watched me parent You've said to Yourself, "Oy David, what are you doing?"
All I can say, God, is, "I'm trying" and "I'm growing up." For every year that my children grow I gain not only more grey hair but also tremendous knowledge and insight about myself, the parent and the person I want to be.
I am so thankful to You, God, for the example You've shown in how to raise, and sometimes, how not to raise children. I appreciate the times that You've allowed us to see Your successes and, even more so, your mistakes. I pray that You and my children, continue to have patience with me as I become the parent You know I can be.
Thank You for Your patience and for helping me to grow up.
David
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Let It Go
Shalom God,
I'm in a difficult place. I'm holding onto pain and I need to let it go - but I don't know how. I've often felt that one of the many blessings I have been given is an acute awareness and understanding of my own emotional, psychological and spiritual life. The curse that goes along with that is knowing where I am and where I want to be but not being able to move myself from one place to the next.
I look at myself, today, and see my anger, my pain, my frustration - whatever garbage I'm carrying around with me and I want to let it go, I want to just drop it; forget it; ignore it; wipe it away take away it's power over me - but I'm just not that strong.
I know that this too shall pass and I will find happiness again. I know that I won't be in a funk for much longer - but being here now - really stinks.
I put a "to do" item on my calendar for everyday of the year: Be Your Best Self. God, please help me remember to be my best self even when I don't feel my best. Help me find happiness even when I feel filled with sadness. Help me hold on to what is good and let the rest go.
Thanks for listening,
David
I'm in a difficult place. I'm holding onto pain and I need to let it go - but I don't know how. I've often felt that one of the many blessings I have been given is an acute awareness and understanding of my own emotional, psychological and spiritual life. The curse that goes along with that is knowing where I am and where I want to be but not being able to move myself from one place to the next.
I look at myself, today, and see my anger, my pain, my frustration - whatever garbage I'm carrying around with me and I want to let it go, I want to just drop it; forget it; ignore it; wipe it away take away it's power over me - but I'm just not that strong.
I know that this too shall pass and I will find happiness again. I know that I won't be in a funk for much longer - but being here now - really stinks.
I put a "to do" item on my calendar for everyday of the year: Be Your Best Self. God, please help me remember to be my best self even when I don't feel my best. Help me find happiness even when I feel filled with sadness. Help me hold on to what is good and let the rest go.
Thanks for listening,
David
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Happy Birthday
Shalom God,
I'm in between today. You see yesterday, the 22nd of June was Liati's birthday and tomorrow the 24th is Ayelet's. It seems so symbolic - Liat came first then Ayelet and in between the two I had to find space for myself - to believe that I could go on; that I could love again; that I could find joy.
So here I am, 11 years later back in that space - remembering Liati and celebrating Ayelet.
I remember when we were choosing Ayelet's name - we wanted to name her after Liat and looked for names that shared the same gematria (numerical value) as the name Liat. We found Ayelet and only later realized that it was not just the gematria that the two names shared, but the letters as well - ליאת and אילת.
Though she never met her, Ayelet is bound up with Liat in my heart. Every year at this time I hold both of them, one on either side with me in between.
Thanks for listening,
David
I'm in between today. You see yesterday, the 22nd of June was Liati's birthday and tomorrow the 24th is Ayelet's. It seems so symbolic - Liat came first then Ayelet and in between the two I had to find space for myself - to believe that I could go on; that I could love again; that I could find joy.
So here I am, 11 years later back in that space - remembering Liati and celebrating Ayelet.
I remember when we were choosing Ayelet's name - we wanted to name her after Liat and looked for names that shared the same gematria (numerical value) as the name Liat. We found Ayelet and only later realized that it was not just the gematria that the two names shared, but the letters as well - ליאת and אילת.
Though she never met her, Ayelet is bound up with Liat in my heart. Every year at this time I hold both of them, one on either side with me in between.
Thanks for listening,
David
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